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Nobody Notices...Authentic Expression of Appreciation

Updated: Oct 31, 2023

I worked in a store for a few years and saw many really interesting and useful products come through. Some things were quite funny. One laugh I enjoyed was a tea towel that was embroidered with the sentence, "I think my soulmate is carbs." It was entertaining at the time largely because my coworkers and I would talk about the foods we wanted to give in to and eat the most. I like a good baguette, although not the entire thing in one sitting.

Another laugh came from cocktail napkins that had a retro picture of a homemaker, much like pictures you might see on a vintage Ladies Home Journal magazine cover. The artist of the image is Anne Taintor. She is known for her 1950s looking representations of women in domestic situations along with sarcastic-humored comments. One of my favorites said, "If by appreciated you mean I do everything and nobody notices, then yes, I feel appreciated." I am guessing you have felt like that at some point in your life, as have I. While seeing that written across a cocktail napkin struck me as very funny, it is never funny when we feel like that in our real lives. We all have an innate need to be appreciated and respected.

Being noticed and being validated is a need from the time we are able to have someone else's attention on us. One of the reasons that Michael McDonald's portrayal of Stuart Larkin on Mad TV was so funny was because we have seen little children do something clumsy or ridiculous preceded by the sentence, "Look what I can do!"


It is the nature of humans to be in relationship with others, and it is human nature to need to be acknowledged and to have someone affirm that they are valuable and have fundamental worth.


Being told we have been seen doing exceptional work and are a valued employee goes a long way in employee job satisfaction and having more motivation to meet goals and to go the extra mile for the company. In 2013 Glassdoor published the results of a survey they conducted that measured employee satisfaction in terms of being shown appreciation from their employers (Glassdoor Team, 2013).

The Employee Appreciation Survey showed that 81% of employees in the survey group reported that they were motivated to work harder when their boss showed appreciation. This is in comparison to 38% who said they were motivated to work harder if their boss were demanding and 37% who said they would work harder because of fear of losing their job. That is a very large percentage difference. Fear and dread can be motivating, but neither are as effective as demonstrated gratitude, appreciation, and respect.

So, if toddlers want appreciation and adults perform better at work when they are shown appreciation, might the expression of appreciation be of great value in our personal relationships? For the sake of clarification, what is the difference between appreciation and recognition? According to Harvard Business Review (Robins, 2019), recognition involves providing positive feedback based on one's performance. There is value in expressing to others that what they did was in some way outstanding or exceptional. So, for example, telling a child that their performance in the school play was moving and very well done builds them up and may encourage them to try out for a play again. However, our praise is performance based which makes admiration conditional and is inherently in the past. The execution of the task or action has already been done and recognition only occurs afterward and will only be expressed again after subsequent act or task is completed with excellence.


Appreciation recognizes the fundamental value of another person


On the other hand, appreciation recognizes the fundamental value of another person. Because it is not based on outcomes, it allows for more opportunities to offer personal validation and thus, an intimate connection with another person. What can be some of the fundamental attributes of a person to admire? What might we look for in another to appreciate? There are potentially many answers to that question and many attributes we find worthy of our appreciation. The following are some of the top contenders for traits of a good character, attributes worthy of our appreciation.

  • Courage

  • Gratitude

  • Trustworthiness (includes honesty, reliability, punctuality, and loyalty)

  • Integrity (honor, decency, uprightness)

  • Empathy (kindness, compassion, patience, generosity, charity)

  • Suitable people skills (emotional and social intelligence which includes being considerate)

  • Respect and courtesy

  • Responsibility (accountability, diligence, perseverance, self-management skills, and self-control)

  • Humility (includes willingness to ask forgiveness when we are in error)

  • Fairness (justice, freedom from voicing or acting upon prejudice until such a time as you have corrected your perception and no longer have that prejudice)

  • Social conscientiousness (concern for the common good and the community, responsible decision-making skills, and respect for authority and the law)

  • Authenticity (living in a manner that is consistent with one's own values, morals, and beliefs) (TEC, 2021._


When we recognize these traits in another person, particularly when we are in a relationship with them, we need to express our appreciation. Expressing appreciation, recognizing accomplishment, and expressing gratitude, benefits both us and the person we are expressing appreciation to.


Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a psychological theory and therapy widely used in the field of Psychology, counseling and in coaching. In coaching, the coach works to identify irrational or untrue ways of thinking that could impede the client in reaching their self-determined goals. Dr. Aaron Beck is considered the Father of CBT as he was the first to solidify his observations and research into an intelligible and comprehensive therapeutic paradigm.

"CBT is based on the psychological construct that individuals’ interpretations of situations influence their reaction (emotional, behavioral, physiological), more so than the situation itself. Further, people’s interpretations may be distorted, inaccurate or unhelpful, particularly when psychopathology is present. These interpretations, termed “automatic thoughts,” are often linked to maladaptive underlying beliefs that individuals have about themselves, other people, the world, or the future. Dr. Beck found that when he helped his patients evaluate and change their distorted thinking, they felt better and were able to modify their behavior. When he helped them evaluate and change their underlying beliefs, their improvement was long-lasting" (Chand, Kuckel & Huecker, 2023).

The process in which a situation or event leads to a perception (thought about) that situation or event then leads to an emotional and physiological response, which then leads to an action or response is a chain reaction that plays a role in interpersonal interactions and at time the formation of distorted patterns of thinking and subsequently, behaving. The meaning we ascribe to a situation or event to a large extent determines how the entire exchange around that situation will come out. Meaning that is ascribed that is positive will have a better chance of resulting in a positive conclusion.

This is what underlies the desired response of expressing appreciation to others. Accurately interpreting a situation and subsequently expressing gratitude relies on the accuracy of the meaning assigned to the event. When the meaning is based in truth, and the situation unfolds in such a way that you feel appreciation, that is the time to say so.

__________________________________________________________________


EVENT ==> INTERPRETATION ==> EMOTIONAL AND ==> BEHAVIORAL RESPONSE

PHYSICAL REACTION

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Bethany 2023

In the way of example, let us pretend that your friend witnessed someone being hurtful to you. In response your friend asked the hurtful person not to speak to you in that manner. Then you voiced to your friend your gratitude for taking up for you.

This is how the process of CBT might play out: A person said something hurtful (EVENT). Your friend interpreted that as hurtful to you (INTERPRETATION). That elicited the emotion of indignance and the physiological experience of a tightening in the chest (EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL REACTION). The result was your friend asking the other person not to speak to us in that manner (BEHAVIORAL RESPONSE).

This is from your friend's perspective. Now let us look at the same example from our perspective.

You hear your friend asking the other person not to speak to you in such a manner (EVENT). You interpret that as your friend taking up for you loyally, protecting you (INTERPRETATION). You feel grateful and experience a release of tension in your body (EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL REACTION). As the offending person apologizes and walks away, you experience the desire to express your appreciation and gratitude so, you hug your friend and say, "Wow! Thank you so much." You feel our own value because of what your friend did, and your friend feels valued because of what you said and did. In turn will motivate them and make them more likely to do something similar again. Your friend's loyalty and concern for you made him/her speak up on your behalf and you noticed how that made you feel, so you told him/her thank you.

I would like to note that if you had 'stinking thinkin' (distortions in your perception of the situation), you might have misinterpreted that same exchange as your friend overstepping, and perceiving you as being incapable of taking up for yourself. If so, that might have left you feeling insulted and put down. I mention this for three reasons.


First, we need to understand and improve our patterns of thinking and interpreting so that we do not misunderstand and overreact or respond inappropriately to those we engage

WIX Photos 2023

with. Also, we need to improve the ways in which we communicate and express ourselves. Too, if we feel appreciation for something someone has done, but keep it internalized, and do not voice it or express it in some way, the other person, the one we appreciate will not get to feel the value we have attributed to them. This prevents them from feeling the inspiration and motivation that would come from expressed appreciation, and it may even cause a negative reaction in that person. They miss feeling warm fuzzies and may think we are unappreciative or aloof.

In a 2003 study done by Emmons and McCullough, it was found that when internal gratitude was outwardly demonstrated, there was an even greater increase in reported positive emotions and a decrease in negative emotions than when appreciation and gratitude were held inside as a private experience. All three of these things can be addressed in relationship coaching and in personal coaching.

Communication needs to be bettered on an individual level even when two people are working together in coaching sessions. Each needs to take responsibility for the manner in which he/she thinks, perceives others and their motivations, and the way he/she expresses themselves physically (hugs, facial expressions, gestures, etc.) and with words (verbally and in writing.) All relationship coaching entails individual self-evaluation and personal introspection work to improve the dynamics between two people. If only one person is willing to work on themselves, the success of the coaching process will be impeded.

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Why does expressed appreciation make us feel better?


There have been many studies done examining the role of certain brain chemicals and their effects on our emotional, physiological, and psychological well-being. Research has shown that the two primary chemicals in the brain responsible for positive experiences are serotonin and dopamine. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that directly impacts our sense of well-being and happiness. It plays a role in bone health, blood clotting, nausea, sleep, sexual function, and mood stabilizing. It is released when it is needed for these functions.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in what has been named the reward system in our brains. Dopamine is released when we are doing something pleasurable and enjoyable. In effect, we are rewarded with that pleasure. The same thing happens when we provide a pleasurable or rewarding experience for someone else (Peters, Cheer & Toninid, 2021).

When dopamine and serotonin have synchronized release, we feel a sense of well-being and happiness, and our mood is stable. It has been found that when we are thinking positively and our perceptions are positive, our attitudes and behavior follow suit. When we express our gratitude to others, and when they express gratitude for us, serotonin and dopamine are released. Win-win! Acknowledged appreciation and gratitude given and received will have psychological, physical, and social benefits. These include:

  • Promoting a positive mindset.

  • Reducing stress levels.

  • Increasing optimism and hope.

  • Increasing the amount and quality of sleep.

  • Improving blood pressure

  • Promoting better cognitive function (processing emotion and memory).

  • Building/enhancing relationships.

  • Increasing the desire to help and support others.

  • Increasing satisfaction in work relationships and work environment.

(Evans 2023).

Expressed gratitude:

  • Increases investment in both parties of a relationship.

  • Increases helpfulness in both parties.

  • Increases long-term happiness.

  • Increases social support.

  • Increase one's self-esteem.

  • Improves all kinds of relationships: romantic, friendships, family, and work.

(Emmons & McCullough 2003.)


How do I show my appreciation?

In the book The Five Love Languages: The Secrets to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman, the author asserts that there are five ways to communicate your love to someone based not on the primary ways in which you best receive these things, but based on what you know to be the beloved's primary ways of receiving love. While Chapman authored the book to help couples communicate their love to one another, the principles apply to all relationships.

The five modes of communication are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch. He relates that we all enjoy receiving through all of the modes, but that we typically have two primary ones. When someone uses them to convey their affection, we feel particularly loved and valued. The book goes on to help you determine what your primary love languages are and encourages you to learn your partner's primary ones so that you can incorporate their use in the relationship.

I bring love languages up because they are methods in which we can express our authentic feelings in a manner in which the other person can best receive it and know that he/she is of worth to us. Telling them how they have made us feel, writing a note to express our thanks, and intentionally spending quality time with them convey to them that they were seen. Doing something kind and generous for them, offering a hug or a warm touch, and giving them something that they assign meaning to all show the other person that you have recognized their worth, and they have not gone unnoticed.

It is important to validate people in our lives, not just for a job well done, but when they are moved to action by their good character. When we notice that someone has shown to be empathetic, respectful, humble, honorable, or authentic, we can use a love language to express our appreciation of them. It is powerful to validate another human being and all that is fundamental to them, particularly when their act of kindness, honesty, diligence, or concern was given freely and authentically with obligation.

Just consider this...how wonderful it would be if we tried to express our appreciation, gratitude, and love to others in ways they will receive it best? We could begin to turn relationships around, get the serotonin and dopamine flowing, and feel valued, respected, and seen (not ignored or overlooked.)


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The takeaway is this. Let us do some introspection and work to improve how we communicate, how we view your world, and let us practice giving in our relationships, not just taking. Let us extend ourselves by showing others how they make us feel. Perhaps we tell our husbands we appreciate the things they do for us. We can tell our child how proud we are that she helped an older person walk across the street to safety because it showed compassion. We can tell our friend how much it has meant to us that he was willing to inconvenience himself for our benefit. Let us tell our wives that as beautiful as they are on the outside, they are more beautiful on the inside. We can tell your coworkers how we appreciate the effort they make because it makes our work easier.

Intentionally look for things to be grateful for and to appreciate. Let us be the example...people will love us for it, and they will want to remain in a relationship with us, and in turn, we will have someone else to bring joy to our lives. These things are not obligatory. We do not have to do any of these things, but they make things better.

Our challenge: MAKE SURE WE NOTICE. That is one thing that AUTHENTIC people do.

REFERENCES



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